“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.”
Hello everyone,today is Sunday and every Sunday I write a post that is not book-related but is in fact either my thoughts on something or just a poem.Last Sunday I posted a poem –the consequences of leaving and today I thought I’ll write about something I’ve been wanting to write about for many weeks but never gotten around actually writing it because maybe I was scared of um.. putting it out.
I have never been able to express something properly by talking,I’m better at words when I’m writing it down and maybe that is one of the reasons I started blogging.I wanted to write,write about books,about people,about my personal life but I never got around to actually write something about me,not because I was afraid of sharing it with you all but because I was afraid about a family member or a friend finding this blog and reading about things I don’t talk to them about.There’s a fair chance that someone close to me is reading this right now but today,I won’t stop and care because this is my site and I’m free to write about anything or anyone.
The above mentioned John Green quote is my all time favorite not because JOHN GREEN has written it but because I agree with him and It’s beautiful.We all had a difficult time in our life at some point when it was hard to do anything except to curl up under a blanket and cry or lock ourselves in a room and ignore everything-life.The reason maybe anything small or big but then it seems like the end of the world.Maybe this was the case with my batchmate who jumped from the 3rd floor of our school in an attempt to commit suicide.He broke his leg and spine but he is still breathing.I won’t go into the depth of this matter because I feel like I don’t want to freshen up the ‘memories’ of that incident.However,as many of you know that my favorite book is All the bright places by Jennifer Niven and my favorite author is Jennifer Niven not because she wrote that book but because she is a wonderful human being,I say this because she has dealt with a lot in her life,she has lost a mother,a father and a boyfriend.She didn’t go insane or tried to kill herself,she wrote,she wrote books and I adore her for that.I,on the other hand tend to create problems and then cry about it.The worst thing is that I don’t stop,I destroy myself in every single possible way by just only thinking.Thinking about things that I was supposed to forget or things I shouldn’t even think about.
Someone once asked me why I read.I just said that I read because I love books,but I left a whole other detail.I started reading books when I was in grade 3 or 4.The first book I read was Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carol,I remember loving it and wanting to read more books.That is how I started reading but I fell in love with reading just about 1 or 2 years ago.Last year in August,I realized something and just that realization made me insane.I could’t sleep and I don’t mean it in a poetic way,I actually couldn’t sleep.A day was fine but then I found myself constantly sleep deprived.At nights I was scared and not of ghosts or goblins or witches but of dying.I know it sounds stupid but my heart beat was so fast and I was so confused that it led to me concluding that whenever I’ll close my eyes-I’ll die.Whenever I did close my eyes,I heard noises and voices of people-friends and family saying something I couldn’t understand.I used to freak out and open my eyes and find myself shivering or sweating.After a few months,it went away but then something again happened in my life that provoked my ‘night fears’,only this time it was worse.I could sleep but I had nightmares of being paralyzed and dreams of me dying.It was so so so bad that all I did was cry,I cried about everything and everyone and I was too scared to talk about it to someone.Everthing was driving me insane.The only good thing about that time of my life was that I read more than usual,in fact all I did was read.I read cute romance novels and somehow it helped me in stopping my dreams,all I did at nights was picture the cute scenes from the books I read,in my mind and drift off to sleep in hope of that someday those things will happen with me also.Again,I know stupid but it worked.Soon,I found myself watching videos of booktubers and reading book blogs,I was slipping away from what was real but I enjoyed that feeling.So the conclusion is that I read to escape,I can deal with dragons and fictional deaths but I can’t deal with making real life decisions.#Sorrynotsorry
I actually have very little idea about what I just wrote but I hope it made sense to you.Maybe you found it relatable or you thought I wrote shit,but I felt really nice writing it all down.
Chat with me about ….*awkward moment* whatever I just wrote and what did you get from it.
TILL NEXT TIME!